A key part of a real apology—one people often overlook—is acknowledging the hurt. And that usually requires more than just, “I’m sorry I hurt you.” You need to be specific.

For example, imagine a dad who’s late to his son’s piano recital—for the third time.

Instead of saying, “I’m so sorry I was late. I won’t do it again,” he might say: “I’m really sorry I was late to your recital. If I were in your shoes, I’d wonder if my dad really cared about me. I’d probably feel embarrassed too, seeing all the other kids' parents there but not mine. Is that how you felt?”

Now, consider how the son might respond. He could confirm: “Yeah. Exactly.” This confirms that the father got it right. Without this confirmation he might remain uncertain about how his son felt, even after an accepted apology.

The son could also correct the father’s thinking. The son might say, “Well, I know you care about me, but I was definitely embarrassed.” Or maybe he’d add something: “Yeah, it didn’t feel like you cared, and I was embarrassed. But your being late also made me mad and distracted me from playing well. Now my teacher is disappointed.”

If the father hadn’t asked, he might have remained in the dark about something he really needs to know. But since he asked, the father got clarity about what happened and the state of his relationship. It will help him to know what to do differently next time. And even motivate him in the future to show up on time.

_There are other benefits to acknowledging the harm and seeking confirmation. _

For one, it shows humility. The father admits that even while apologizing, he might not fully understand what he did. This humility can help rebuild trust.

Acknowledging harm also shows love. Sometimes we apologize to make ourselves look or feel better. People hate this and it makes the situation worse. Our apologies should be loving, not self-serving. Acknowledging the specific impact of your actions helps the other person know you truly care.

Finally, acknowledging harm gives the person you hurt what they need. When relationships break, most people don’t want gifts or grand gestures. They want to be heard. They need to know that you know how your actions affected them. Acknowledging specific harms helps that happen and is huge for restoring trust.

So if acknowledging the hurt is so important, why do we skip it in our apologies?

It’s because we are afraid. We are afraid we’ll make things worse by bringing up “the bad thing.” We worry it will just reopen wounds. And sometimes, the truth hurts—it’s scary to face what we did. So this step feels risky.

So yes, there’s some risk involved, but avoiding this step is also risky. When we try to ignore or smooth over the harm we’ve caused, the hurt person feels even more unloved and trusts us even less. And if we don’t truly understand what’s happened, we may think we’ve apologized for what we’ve done, when—in reality—we haven’t.

So the next time you need to apologize, consider this step. Admitting and confirming the harm we cause helps rebuild trust, respects the other person’s feelings, and opens the door to deeper healing.

Related Posts: How to Say I’m Sorry, What does it mean to forgive? The 4 Promises of Forgiveness