How to Say Sorry

When we hurt others, we should apologize. An apology helps set things right.

This doesn’t mean that every mistake warrants a grand apology. Over-apologizing for small missteps cheapens the value of apologies that truly matter. For minor errors, a simple and genuine “Pardon me” or “I’m sorry” is best.

But when you’ve hurt someone in a big way, your apology should match. Ken Sande’s Seven A’s of a Biblical Confession, help us get that right.

Address everyone involved (All those whom you affected)
Avoid if, but, and maybe (Do not try to excuse your wrongs)
Admit specifically (Both attitudes and actions)
Acknowledge the hurt (Express sorrow for hurting someone)
Accept the consequences (Such as making restitution)
Alter your behavior (Change your attitudes and actions)
Ask for forgiveness

Notice how each “A” is critical in it’s own way. Of course, don’t be overly rigid about these, but think about what goes wrong when one of these is left out.

Consider these examples. Can you find the A’s?

Scenario 1: During a stressful project deadline, you lose your temper and yell at two of your colleagues, Sarah and Alex, in front of the entire team.

Apology: Before the meeting ends, you say, “Hey, guys, before we finish, I need to apologize to Sarah, Alex, and everyone on the team. I was feeling frustrated about the deadline and lost my temper today. I yelled, which disrespected each of you. It probably felt horrible, and I know it put a lot of tension in our meeting. I really messed up, and I’m sorry. Let me make amends by taking on some extra work for the team this Friday, and in the future, I’ll manage my stress better. Please forgive me. Yelling at you was way out of line. You deserve to be treated with respect, even in stressful moments.” Then you offer a private, personal apology to Sarah and Alex, perhaps with a short note in their mailboxes or with a conversation in the hall after the meeting.

Scenario 2 You borrowed your neighbor Robert’s lawnmower and then damaged it after rushing and not paying attention to where you were mowing.

Apology: “Robert, I’m sorry to say I was rushing, not paying attention, and hit some rocks. Now the blades are broken. I’ll get them fixed ASAP—I’ve already ordered the new ones. I bet you are mad because the mower is so new, and know you were planning on mowing your own lawn today and now you can’t. I’m really sorry. I’ll make sure to mow your lawn for you as soon as it’s repaired. And I’ll be careful if you ever let me borrow something in the future. Will you please forgive me?”