Christopher Chelpka

“Idealistic people who have moralistic notions about how people should behave without understanding how people really do behave do more harm than good…. as well-intentioned as they are, impractical idealists are dangerous and destructive, whereas practical idealists make the world a better.” —Ray Dalio

Good leadership limits mistakes, creates opportunities, and increases flourishing at every level. This is because leadership, a system of thought and practices, plays the central role for the five other systems necessary of organizational effectiveness.

But how can one improve as a leader and become more effective? One key part of that process is developing and clarifying your own model for thinking about leadership. Gaining a deeper understanding of what leadership is and how it works can, for one benefit, help you decide what to focus on in your development and avoid a haphazard approach to learning. This post briefly describes a few fundamental aspects of leadership, as I understand them.

For much of this post, I share and draw on the work Bob Anderson and Bill Adams, particularly from their book, Mastering Leadership. I also modify their model by both addition and subtraction. For example, I think the model needs a stronger center, which ought to be union with the Triune God. And I think the model suffers from the category of leadership development called, Unitive, so I remove it. I hope to explain my thinking on these important points some time. That said, the rest of their work is very helpful and aligns with the teaching of the Bible.

Simply put, leadership is the skill of helping someone or some group get somewhere. Individuals can lead; groups can lead too. Sometimes an individual does both within the same for the people they lead. For example, in the Form of Government for the Orthodox Presbyterian Church, we read that “Ruling elders, individually and jointly with the pastor in the session, are to lead the church in the service of Christ” (FG X.3).

According to research by Anderson and Adams, there are four promises of leadership. They are always expected by those being led, even if they deny it. These promises can be viewed as the essential tasks of any leader.

1. Set the right direction and create meaningful work
2. Engage all stakeholders and hold them accountable for performance
3. Ensure that processes and systems facilitate focus and execution
4. Lead effectively and maintain relationships of trust to achieve desired results. 

Read more (blog post): The promise of leadership: clear the high bar of expectation

Sometimes before you install an app on your phone you have to upgrade your operating system first. It’s like that with leadership. Without a fundamental internal maturity, specific and important leadership skills will always lack effectiveness.

Leadership begins with leading oneself—“Leadership is the deployment of self into circumstances”—and extends to leading other individuals and groups of people, even things like animals (shepherd) or plants (arborist).

Because leadership begins internally with respect to our relationship to God and fuctions within emotional systems, self-differentiation matters. Self-differentiation is what allows leaders to stand strong, even when others disagree, while still remaining meaningfully connected to those they lead. Not all leaders, however, are mature in this way. Many lead, not many lead well.

The differences between mature and immature leadership are named and described well by four levels of leadership in Mastering Leadership. Those levles are egocentric, reactive, creative, and integral. Here is how Anderson and Adams describe it:

1. Egocentric Leadership. My way or the highway. I am my needs and my needs are primary and I’m not capable of noticing this.
2. Reactive Leadership. I know the rules of my communities and am trying to conform. I am reacting to them. I define myself not from the inside out, but from the outside in, by my relationships (I’m okay if people like me or need me), by my work (I’m okay if I get results), by my intelligence (I’m okay if I’m I can use my smarts to be valuable). I get my worth and security for X, where X is a strength. I do things and try to be things in order to avoid conflict or trouble.
3. Creative Leadership. I am following my own path and vision with integrity, which may mean contradicting norms, risking failure, and disappointing others. The development of self and others is prized. “The leader now takes responsibility for authoring the vision, enrolling others in the vision, and helping them discover how the vision enables them to fulfill their personal purposes collectively. High engagement."
4. Integral Leadership. I am a creative leader with a bigger focus. I can see my work fits into society. I am a microcosm of the system I am trying to lead change, the good and bad.

Reactive minds only react to their surroundings; their movement goes from external to internal. Creative minds act on their surrounding based on what is inside; their movement is internal to external. A reactive mind tries not to lose. It makes its choices based out of fear and removing perceived problems. Once the perceived threat is removed, the work stops. The goal is to maintain a comfort zone, or rather, the zone of tolerable conflict. Where a reactive mind plays not to lose, a creative mind plays to win. It makes its choices out of how to achieve its vision.

Here are some good questions from Mastering Leadership to assess yourself:

• what do you care enough about to stand for now?
• What is non-negotiable for you?
• In any given moment, does the context define how you show up or informing how you show up?
• If your soul could speak, what would is say about what is important to you and why?
• How is the system shaping you, and how are you shaping it.

Read more (blog post): Five Levels of Leadership

Of the various leadership dimensions that can be measured, children begin with all of them measuring in the egocentric level. Most people grow beyond this but stop at the reactive level. Good leaders shift many reactive traits to creative. Very good leaders shift most reactive traits to creative. Great leaders shift all to creative and think very broadly. To meausre your own leadership maturity and effectiveness, take the Leadership Circle Profile.

Whatever kind of relationship you have, invest in it when there isn’t conflict. For married life, see these examples.

Conflict is part of life under the sun. Since you will have to face it, instead of fearing it, learn how to work through it in a way that honors God.

According to John Gottman, what most often destroys are defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, criticism. He calls these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because they are harbingers of the end of a relationship. Using these, even when used against you, will increase conflict not lessen it. This is true for other types of relationships too.

Know that not all problems/conflicts are the same. Perpetual problems are problems that are difficult to solve, but you can live with them. According to Gottman, in stable marriages, spouses decide to just live with them, mitigate their impact, and approach them with good humor. In unstable marriages, spouses get grid locked and feel increasingly hurt, rejected, and lonely. When you find yourselves grid locked, it is usually “a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other”. Determine what those dreams are, taking breaks as necessary and perhaps with help. As you do, work toward finding ways to support and honor each other’s dreams. Solvable problems should be tackled right away. What applies to marriages above, also applies to other kinds of relationships.

Resource: The Gottman 19 Areas Checklist for Solvable and Perpetual Problems

When there is a conflict, we get anxious. Learn to notice anxiety in yourself by noticing “a spinning mind, a racing heart, or a tightening gut” (Steve Cuss). This is important because when you’re flooded with anxiety, you make poor decisions that make things worse. So, if you’re feeling anxious, deal with it—often before you deal with the conflict itself. This is part of getting the log out of your own eye. You might do it in the moment or you may need more time. Deep breathing, prayer, walking, and easy reading unrelated to the problem can help you calm down. If you need a break during a hard conversation, Gottman suggests saying something like this: “You know what, I’m having a hard time listening to you right now, and I will come back in 30 minutes so we can continue to talk.” These words are effective because they take responsibility for your own emotions while staying connected to the other person.

Don’t deal with anxiety by over-functioning or under-functioning. Over-functioning is when you take over something that someone else should do for themselves, this includes feeling and thinking. Coercion, abuse, and manipulation are extreme examples of over-functioning. Milder forms look like giving unwanted advice or doing someone else’s work for them. Under-fucntioning is letting someone take over something you should do for yourself—including your thinking and feeling. Connecting your happiness with someone else’s happiness is one example. Refusing to point out or admit problems because it might create conflict is another. Instead of dealing with conflict in these ways, we ought to do what we should, leave to God and the other person what they are responsible for, and remain lovingly connected throughout the whole process. A psychological term for this is self-differentiation, read this summary to learn more. I learned this framework from Murray Bowen’s ideas, which Brené Brown explains well.

So what does peacemaking look like? Ken Sande has distilled the Bible’s teaching on conflict resolution into a memorable “4 Gs.” These steps will help you be a peacemaker instead of a peacebreaker or a peacefaker, as Sande puts it.

1. Glorify God. How can I honor God in this situation?
2. Get the log our of your eye. How can I own my part of this conflict?
3. Gently restore. How can I help others own their contributions to this clash?
4. Go and be reconciled. How can I pass along God’s forgiveness and help reach a reasonable solution?

Learn more about these biblical steps in Sande’s book, The Peacemaker: Student Edition, Handling Conflict Without Fighting Back or Running Away. There is a larger version of this book as well, but this edition will suffice for most people.

No matter what type of relationship you’re concerned about, you can follow this basic process alongside of Gottman’s great tips for dealing with the “Four Horseman” I mentioned above.

Learn to apply the advice above in church, friendships, work, your neighborhood, and family life. It may save your relationships from failure and create some of the most fulfilling relationships of your life. But remember, it’s not your job to solve every problem. Your job is to approach conflict in obedience to God, trusting that he will use even the most challenging trials for good.