David Burris is right. We have some unhelpful conceptions about authenticity that need revising.
During a bad part of the pandemic, I did some research on loneliness. Here’s what I learned.
Facts About Loneliness
Everyone likes to be alone; no one likes to be lonely.
Being alone is fine. We need time by ourselves.
Being lonely is not fine. We are made to be social.
Large portions of Americans are disconnected from normal connecting institutions. And many report chronic loneliness. Social media is generally hurting more than helping loneliness. But COVID-19 has not made a big difference.
For several reasons, loneliness is a particular problem for men.
Loneliness is the sorrowful feeling of having become disconnected from others when a connection is felt to be needed. To use standard definition, loneliness occurs when the quantity and quality of connections we have is less than we want. [Source.] It is commonly accompanied by despair and anger. More on definitions of feelings.
People can be lonely in different ways. “Social loneliness refers to longing for an absent social network, whereas emotional loneliness refers to longing for an absent intimate, close, and emotional attachment (Weiss, 1973).” [Source] Knowing which a person is feeling can help know how to help them.
Meaningful connection is also a biological need.
Loneliness is terrible for your physical health, worse than obesity. [Holt-Lunstad, 2010]
Loneliness is likely to increase your risk of death by 26% (Holt-Lunstad, 2015).
Loneliness is worse for you than obesity. (Holt-Lunstad, 2010)
From my experience as a pastor, many people have odd and unrealistic expectations ideas about friendship.
People don’t know how to be alone in a healthy way. Learn more in Digital Minimalism.
People are looking for connection in other people that only God can provide. Ironically, this makes you “needy” which is a big turn off to potential friends.
Things that can help 👍
Measure loneliness in yourself or others then take appropriate steps.
Learn about loneliness cycle and how to break it.
Learn 10 ideas to combat loneliness and some more ideas and a few more.
Learn about how to develop friendships and what we know from social science
Learn how to cultivate (or not) different kinds of relationships. John Townsend offers some helpful categories in which to think about friendships and other relationships. Townsend talks about coaches, comrades, casuals, colleagues, care(-fors), chronics, and contaminants.
Kevin Vost on the historic understanding of friendship, especially by Medieval theologians [subscription needed and worth it]
Other good articles and books
How many friends do we really need to be happy?
People Fuel: Fill Your Tank for Life, Love, and Leadership by John Townsend
The Biggest Threat Facing Middle Age Men Isn’t Smoking or Obesity. It’s Loneliness
How to Nurture Real Friendships that Grow and Thrive
check out this giant list of movies filmed in Tucson.
Currently reading: The Trinity: An Introduction (Short Studies in Systematic Theology) by @scottrswain 📚"…we were baptized into God’s triune name so that we might learn to praise God’s triune name."
Classics education is a big deal. Without it, there would’ve been no Fourth of July.
Get inspired by Lisa Przystup’s Tucson Road Trip in The Strategist via @VisitTucsonAZ.
Finished reading: Leading God’s People: Wisdom from the Early Church for Today by Christopher A. Beeley. So good. On my top ten list now for pastoral theology books. 📚
“At what schools does Christ, as a prophet, train up his disciples? At the school of the law, the school of the gospel, and the school of affliction.” — James Fisher
Currently reading: How to Tell a Joke: An Ancient Guide to the Art of Humor (Ancient Wisdom for Modern Readers) by Marcus Tullius Cicero 📚 Heard about this book/series on the great Ad Navseam podcast.
🎙 Listened: Praying in a Time of Pandemic with Christopher Beeley. Very good. What is prayer, why you should pray, how to pray.
I’m starting a new blogchain called Decision Help. Check out the first entry: Discernment (discrimination, sound judgment).
This is entry 1 of the blogchain Decision Help.
Discernment is a gift of God (1 Cor 12:10) that allows us to accurately identify causes and predict likely futures. Discernment is the process of thinking, feeling, and praying through an issue that results in decisions about the way things are or have been, the way things should be, and possibly, about how one ought to move in the present to a desired future.
Discernment grounds our decisions in reality—God’s providence and principles. Bad decisions are the outgrowth of lacking discernment. When we fail to see the world correctly, we make choices that go against the grain of reality and bear painful consequences. According to John Cassian (Conference 2.2-3), “the blessed Antony” makes this point by way of Jesus' words about the eye as the lamp of the body in Matthew 6:22-23:
For this is discretion, which is termed in the gospel the “eye,” “and light of the body,” according to the Saviour’s saying: “The light of thy body is thine eye: but if thine eye be single, thy whole body will be full of light, but if thine eye be evil, thy whole body will be full of darkness:” because as it discerns all the thoughts and actions of men, it sees and overlooks all things which should be done. But if in any man this is “evil,” i.e., not fortified by sound judgment and knowledge, or deceived by some error and presumption, it will mike our whole body “full of darkness,” i.e., it will darken all our mental vision and our actions, as they will be involved in the darkness of vices and the gloom of disturbances. For, says He, “if the light which is in thee be darkness, how great will that darkness be!” For no one can doubt that when the judgment of our heart goes wrong, and is overwhelmed by the night of ignorance, our thoughts and deeds, which are the result of deliberation and discretion, must be involved in the darkness of still greater sins.
When we fail to see the world correctly, we stumble. But when our decisions flow from discernment, that is, when they are grounded in reality, our decisions can become steps to success. “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches” (Proverbs 24v3-4). Wisdom, of course, is guided supremely by the scriptures, by which God discerns “the thoughts and intentions of the heart” (Hebrews 4:12). And by success, I don’t mean mere material success. Discretion, as John Cassian put it, is also the mother, guardian, and regulator of all the virtues.
So if you want to choose the right path, you must first learn to see.
This weekend, listen to Carl Trueman‘s short lecture on The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self. He is expanding on themes from his recent best-seller.
🎵Listening: Skip, Hop, and Wobble. One of my all-time favorite albums.
This week in the Confession Overview Class, I’ll be teaching on baptism, the Lord’ Supper, and church censures. We start at 11:15am after morning worship on Sunday.