Christopher Chelpka

Yes. You can be married and have friends. In fact, you should.

You can have other types of relationships too. Sure, when a man and woman marry they separate from their parents and form a new family unit. But this doesn’t mean you never call your mom. God made us capable of having different types of healthy relationships at the same time. And this includes friends.

So you can be married and have friends, and you should. Here are a few reasons why.

First, God didn’t design you and your spouse to always be alone-together. Both the individuals in a marriage and the marriage itself exist within a broader system of other important God-ordained relationships, which begin with the triune God himself and also include children, church, extended family, friends, neighbors, colleagues. Sometimes you will foster these as a couple (double-dates, going to visit family, church) and sometimes you will approach them separately (ladies’ night out, employee’s lunch, time alone with God).

Second, we need friends to not be lonely. Although spouses should seek friendship with each other, most of us need a few close friends to not feel lonely. Loneliness can be caused by not having enough friends, not having close friends, or both. We also need different kinds of friends in our life. (Here are some more facts about loneliness and things that can help overcome it.)

Third, good relationships tend to fuel other good relationships. Good friends will help you be a better spouse, and a good spouse will help you be a better friend. The flip side is also true. Bad relationships tend to fuel bad relationships. But the solution to bad relationships is not to avoid friends or never get married. Instead, cultivate all of your relationships in a godly way, working through problems as they arise.

God designed you and your spouse to have multiple healthy relationships in your life. Pursuing these, especially your relationship with God, can decrease your loneliness and improve your marriage. So if you’re married and do not have friends, ask yourself why. Talk to your spouse about it. And do what you can to support each other developing healthy relationships in and out of the home.

• “Marriage is to be between one man and one woman: neither is it lawful for any man to have more than one wife, nor for any woman to have more than one husband, at the same time.” (WCF 24.1)
• “Marriage was ordained for the mutual help of husband and wife, for the increase of mankind with legitimate issue, and of the church with an holy seed; and for preventing of uncleanness.” (WCF 24.2)
• Mutual help includes every part of life (spiritual, physical, financial, etc.) and should always be a part of our glorifying and enjoying of God. (WSC 1)
• Though marriage is useful and can help achieve certain ends, it must also be cultivated as a communion of love and joy. It needs to me about more than “the self-realization of the partners”.
• Neither party ought to define themselves only by the other person or the marriage itself, but live first and foremost in union with God, walking with integrity before him. So instead of starting with how do I keep my spouse happy or get what I want, start with what has the Lord for me here, and how can my principles help me move in that direction. This means you need to get really clear on who God is and who you are. Which means you need to actively develop your relationship with him.
• The marriage should be cultivated in harmony with the broader order of the world.
• Generally, there are differences between the sexes (anatomical, psychological, social, etc.), and also similarities (anatomical, psychological, social, etc.). Some of these are the result of genetics others are the results of conditioning or cultural expectations.
• Culturally inherited roles that go against God’s design must be rejected. Culturally inherited roles that do not go against God’s design may, and often should, be accepted.
• Regarding the government of the marriage, the Bible says that husbands are called to lead and wives should submit to that leadership. The Bible does not say exactly how that should work for each couple. So ech couple will need to wisely find good ways to work that out.
• Each person has influence over the whole relationship but not complete influence.
• You, your spouse, and your marriage will never be perfect. You’ll always be solving problems and some problems will be unsolvable.
• A good marriage requires shared aims and boundaries and practices for your marriage. Share these by talking about them. Don’t aim for and cultivate an assumed relationship that only you may know about or want.
• A good marriage requires both people to be deeply committed and connected to each other.
• A good marriage is an ever-deepening connection between two people. Connection comes from trust, affection, and understanding over time.

Whether you are already married or about to be married, you can grow closer by discussing the following questions. Togehter, you’ll reflect on the present, reflect on the past, and dream about the future.

Reflect on the Present

Share about your partner: (These are from John Gottman’s “love map” questions and really important. Learn why.)

• Name your partner’s two closest friends.
• What was your partner wearing when you first met?
• Name one of your partner’s hobbies.
• What stresses your partner right now?
• Describe in detail what your partner did today or yesterday.
• What is your partner’s fondest unrealized dream?
• What is one of your partner’s greatest fears or disaster scenarios?
• What is my favorite way to spend an evening?
• What is one of your partner’s favorite ways to be soothed? Name a person your partner dislikes.
• What is your partner’s ideal job?
• What medical problems does your partner worry about?

Share about your relationship right now:

• How much time do you spend together? How do you spend your time together?
• What is going well in your relationship right now?
• Describe one of your favorite times together.
• How has this relationship brought challenges for you personally?
• What concerns you about your relationship right now or in the future?

Reflect on the Past

• Are you willing to be open about the past?
• What questions do you have about your partner’s past?
• If you’ve been together a while, what has worked well in your relationship in the past? What didn’t?
• What worked well in your parents’ marriage? What didn’t? What about in the household?
• What worked well in your past relationships? What didn’t? What about the household?

Dream about the Future

• What are your personal goals for the future? What do you hope to accomplish, do, see, experience, become?
• Why do you want to get married?
• When do you want to get married? How sure are you that you want to get married right now?
• Who supports your marrying each other? Who doesn’t?
• How will your marriage affect your other relationships in life?
• What benefits do you think/hope will come from your marriage?

Wrapping up

• What was a challenging moment for you during this discussion?
• What did was something you learned about what your partner values?
• What was something valuable about this conversation for you?

Facts About Loneliness

Everyone likes to be alone; no one likes to be lonely.

Being alone is fine. We need time by ourselves.

Being lonely is not fine. We are made to be social.

Large portions of Americans are disconnected from normal connecting institutions. And many report chronic loneliness. Social media is generally hurting more than helping loneliness. But COVID-19 has not made a big difference.

For several reasons, loneliness is a particular problem for men.

Loneliness is the sorrowful feeling of having become disconnected from others when a connection is felt to be needed. To use standard definition, loneliness occurs when the quantity and quality of connections we have is less than we want. [Source.] It is commonly accompanied by despair and anger. More on definitions of feelings.

People can be lonely in different ways. “Social loneliness refers to longing for an absent social network, whereas emotional loneliness refers to longing for an absent intimate, close, and emotional attachment (Weiss, 1973).” [Source] Knowing which a person is feeling can help know how to help them.

Meaningful connection is also a biological need.

Loneliness is terrible for your physical health, worse than obesity. [Holt-Lunstad, 2010]

Loneliness is likely to increase your risk of death by 26% (Holt-Lunstad, 2015).

Loneliness is worse for you than obesity. (Holt-Lunstad, 2010)

From my experience as a pastor, many people have odd and unrealistic expectations ideas about friendship.

People don’t know how to be alone in a healthy way. Learn more in Digital Minimalism.

People are looking for connection in other people that only God can provide. Ironically, this makes you “needy” which is a big turn off to potential friends.

Things that can help 👍

Measure loneliness in yourself or others then take appropriate steps.

Learn about loneliness cycle and how to break it.

Learn 10 ideas to combat loneliness and some more ideas and a few more.

Learn about how to develop friendships and what we know from social science

15 friends

Learn how to cultivate (or not) different kinds of relationships. John Townsend offers some helpful categories in which to think about friendships and other relationships. Townsend talks about coaches, comrades, casuals, colleagues, care(-fors), chronics, and contaminants.

Kevin Vost on the historic understanding of friendship, especially by Medieval theologians [subscription needed and worth it]

Other good articles and books

How many friends do we really need to be happy?

People Fuel: Fill Your Tank for Life, Love, and Leadership by John Townsend

The Biggest Threat Facing Middle Age Men Isn’t Smoking or Obesity. It’s Loneliness

How to Nurture Real Friendships that Grow and Thrive

Navigating Frienship in the Local Church

Are Short-term Friendships Worth the Investment